Brave Girl Eating, take 2.

It's taken me a while to post again on this book, but rest assured, I have been reading diligently :)
Mainly, I've been reading further, and waiting to post, because I needed time to organize my thoughts about the book. Only today, I realized how powerful Brown's writing is. I have said before that every time I opened my digital library (!) to read this, I inevitable ended up crying. However, that's not what made me realize the effect this book was having on me. I know we're supposed to write about this books, but I feel this is relevant, but be warned, it's serious. As I said in a previous post, Brown specifically avoids listing weights and measurements because she does not want the book to be used as a form of thinspiration, which if it's not clear, is something people with eating disorders use as motivation to continue losing weight. It often is a collection of pictures of unbelievable thin girls, sometimes compared to people who are extremely overweight, implying that if the person with the eating disorder does eat, they will become fat and disgusting. There are also quotes about not needing food, how hunger is a weakness, and a common one: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." So, while Harriet Brown was trying to avoid giving those with eating disorders any more motivation, the story alone forces her to spread the word of anorexia, which to many people feeling the pressures of media and family and those around them, doesn't always seem like a bad, outrageous thing. Now for my part. I have been active my entire life. I was a competitive gymnast for twelve years, I've danced for more than ten years, as well as playing soccer for school and recreational leagues. Gymnastics was my main sport. It was how I identified myself. First and foremost, I was a gymnast. It was not unheard of for gymnasts to make themselves throw up before a practice with the head coach, and it was definitely not uncommon for gymnasts to throw up before meets. The pressure to be small was overwhelming. All gymnasts know that if you are too tall, you cannot participate in competition. The apparatuses are not designed for "big" girls, "big" being around 5'6". Short, thin gymnasts were always more successful. Because I did gymnastics for so long, I was stuck with the stereotypical body of a gymnast, short, no hips, strong quads, and broad shoulders. When I began dancing more seriously, I felt the pressures of my ballet coach to lose weight. If I didn't, my coach said, "How will you partner lift you?" I was 5'2" and 100 pounds, underweight by ten pounds according to my doctor. The pressure didn't end with my extracurricular activities. My mother has always been fit, but I know there have been times in her life when she has cracked under the pressure to be skinny. My grandmother, perhaps not knowing the weight of her words, has mentioned my mother's weight in negative ways, asking if she's changed her eating habits, been less active, etc. My mother herself has told me that she struggled in college- not to maintain normal body weight- but to want to maintain a normal body weight. She was a physical therapy major, taking ballet classes everyday of the week, so she knew what her body could handle and what it could not, and at 5'5", she weighed about 111 pounds. That isn't severe, but she should have been about 15 pounds heavier, to be in a healthy weight zone. She has told me that there were times when she knew what she was doing wasn't good for her, and although she put it vaguely (so as to not really confess her eating disorder), she made it clear that she was warning me to not let the same happen to me. This conversation happened after I had confided in one of her coworkers, who was giving me a ride home after school. I had mentioned not liking school food, and that at lunch, instead of getting food, I would just get a piece of gum. The taste was there, but the consumption was not. This was during my junior year of high school. I had entered tenth grade at about 120 pounds, and 5'3". Average. I felt though, that I had entered high school (our high school building began with 10th grade), as fat. After that, I went to extreme measures to lose weight, such as chewing gum instead of eating meals. When I entered 11th grade, I weighed 95 pounds. I was ecstatic that I was back down to double digits.
      Reading Brave Girl Eating has brought back so many of these familiar feelings, of the desire to be small, and the ability to do it. I know I can, I have before, and it wouldn't be that difficult to do it again. Yesterday, it really hit me how serious this could be. I woke up late, sleeping in on Sunday like I normally do, til noon-ish. I ate an apple (approximately 80 calories)...and that was it. I spent the day reading Brave Girl Eating, which mentioned Little Girls in Pretty Boxes, a book about gymnasts and figure skaters that had dealt with eating disorders. I also found a blog called "Medusa" which I'm now following, and battles eating disorders. By 5pm, I felt like I was going to faint. I grabbed a handful of crackers and a water...which I promptly threw up. Then I drank more water...and threw up...and ate pretzels... and threw up. My stomach had never settled, and I couldn't keep anything down. I was shaky, dizzy and flushed. After one day of extreme food restriction, I was terrified that I would pass out. At the same time though, the voice in the back of my head was telling me, "Job well done." I looked up the normal, healthy calorie consumption for girls my size, weight, and activity level. I should be eating just over 1700 calories a day...I had eaten just 80. I remembered my best friend deal with anorexia, and on top of the sickness I had felt that day, I decided I am determined to not let this book let me slip into past habits.
     My point of this post was not to ask for your pity, or look for attention, by any means. I was just astonished with how quickly and powerfully words pulled me back to old habits that I have been resisting for a while now. While I wish to be happy with my body, this story brings back painful memories, and empathy for anyone that has ever been in a similar position. I haven't finished it yet, but I would definitely recommend this book...however, read with caution. If you've ever considered extreme changes to your body, by extreme methods...know that this book may remind you of those feelings. I'm comfortable talking about it now, because I know I don't have the willpower to ever do anything drastic like Kitty, the main character of Brave Girl Eating. Also, this post speaks to the power of words, especially when they are in place to convey the actual experiences of the author.